I recently made the decision to cut toxic people out of my life.
Should be simple right? Some yes, but there are others whom are a lot harder to let go of.
I have made the decision to cut my mother out of my life.
I know, I know, why would I do that? She is my mom after all. Without her I would not be alive.
Growing up you are always told to respect your parents & be grateful for the life they have given you.
You are told that you will miss them when they are gone.
You are told that “one day you’ll look back and see how good you had it.”
But what if that day never comes?
What if you have been missing them since you where 5 years old?
Please, do not get me wrong. I love my mother from the bottom of my heart. There was a point where I would have done anything for that women. She has taught me so much & I appreciate everything that she has ever done for me.
So, how did I come to the conclusion to end this life long relationship? It was not easy, I will tell you that.
Me & mother have never had an easy relationship. There where defining moments in my childhood that put spaces in between us, ones that no mother & daughter should ever have to deal with it, but we did. I will admit, I was her most difficult child. I was a runaway, a drug addict, and self mutilator– all by the age of 12. I ended up moving out at 14 & have never went back.
Even though we had a rough relationship she was my go-to person when I had anything exciting to tell anyone, or wanted advice, or just needed someone to talk with. We would spend hours on the phone together, we just could not handle being in the same room with each other for more then 10 minutes.
It all started about 5 years ago, I had just turned 19 years old, broke off my engagement & moved provinces, last minute. Here I was, alone in the heart of the rocky mountains. No biggie, I got this. I called my mom one evening after being there for a month, things were not going as planned & for the first time I felt alone. I was having a difficult time coping with this feeling not just loneliness, but isolation. So of course I called my mother. It started off with the usual, asking her about her day & what she has been up too…. then when I tried to reach out, I was met with a very icy response about how I need to finish listening to her. I apologized & continued to listen. She never stopped talking about herself that night. Eventually I thought she was done & tried to tell her of my feelings, & this time her response was “you’re being very selfish right now.” & then she hung up the phone. I had to take a few moments to collect my thoughts & register what just had happened. I ended up sending her a message on facebook stating that if she could not be there for me, then I did not want to talk with her & I would speak with her in the future. We did not speak for nearly a year.
I gave it another chance & reached out. She is my mom after all, & I missed her. I was leaving on an epic adventure to tour across British Columbia for months with my now fiancee & I wanted to keep her in the loop. We had a comfortable relationship then. We spoke at least once a week & I told her all about my adventures & what was happening in my 20th year around the sun. I grew so much in those months & I am so grateful I was able to share that with my mother.
The real change in our relationship happened after I had settled for the winter. Me & my amazing fiancee found out we where expecting our first little one. We where so excited! Then at the 20 week ultrasound we got some heartbreaking news, our son would not live. Due to certain reasons we decided to get induced the following week. I called my aunt who is a midwife & asked her opinions on some things, after all she would know better then anyone else. My mother did not take to kindly to any of that. I called my mom up & told her what my aunt said & invited her to come visit, all expenses paid, so she could have a chance to meet her grandson before he passes away… this is where our relationship really broke… She said to me “Why don’t you invite your aunt to come out instead” and hung up.
I was in shock. This was the one moment I really needed my mother. But because she & my aunt have some bad blood she turned her back on me, just like that.
It was never the same after that. I suppose that is when the relationship really died. We drug it out for another couple of years, strained, & never enjoyable.
Last year I found out we are expecting again, our second child, a daughter.
I did not tell my mom right away. When I did it was met with an, oh, good for you.
Maintaining a relationship with my mom was stressful. I hated it.
I become physically ill & developed anxiety.
I was just before Christmas that I chose to sever our relationship. I could not do it anymore.
Let me tell you, I miss my mother. I’ve been missing her for as long as I can remember.
Letting her go was the best thing I have done for myself.
I no longer have anxiety.
I still see her at family gatherings, however our interactions are brief, yet civil.
I no longer feel this huge sense of guilt for not being a ‘good enough daughter’
I have not written her off completely, maybe in the future we will reconnect, but for now I have chosen myself.
I have chosen to build a relationship with my unborn daughter & to continue to build & strengthen my relationship with the love of my life.
Some days it is so hard, & I feel so guilty, but I know it is needed in order for me to become the best women, mother, & wife I can be.
Some times those who share the same blood as you can become the most toxic in your life, cut them loose.
– Your favourite Gemini